In the United States, there are around 53 million unpaid caregivers providing care to their loved ones. Over 40% of them provide high-intensity care. With the aging Boomer population, these figures will only rise in the coming years.
Caring for an aging loved one doesn’t just bring the stress of feeling overworked and overloaded. It can change your entire relationship. For many people, it leads to something called parentification: Taking on a parent-like role for your own parent when they can no longer care for themself.
A child often feels obligated to reverse roles because the parent has taken care of them for a significant portion of their life. However, the loving sentiment behind this idea isn’t always healthy or in the best interest of either person, particularly when it creates friction in the relationship and complicates the caregiver role.
Causes of Parentification
Parentification can occur due to a number of factors. For older adults, the main causes of parentification are often related to illness, disease, or mobility issues. Parents who can no longer care for themselves may rely on their children to step in as caregivers. The children take on tasks ranging from housework to running errands and may have to monitor the parent for safety reasons.
How Dementia Can Contribute to Destructive Parentification
Conditions like Alzheimer’s and dementia can cause parentification to become destructive. As these conditions worsen, the family member providing care may no longer feel appreciation for their efforts. Though unintentional, the effects can have a lasting negative impact on both sides.
Patients with these conditions may be unable to recognize the caregiver or remember the work they’ve put forth. Their condition may cause them to become combative, hostile, or even disconnected from their family. They may no longer see their caregiver as a child or family member, but rather, as someone who is controlling their life.
For the parentified child, depression and feelings of ill will are common. Interpersonal relationships and quality of life may suffer due to the ongoing stress this role reversal brings. When parentification becomes destructive, the role of caregiver transforms from duty to burden. Having an aging parent who suffers from dementia can make the caregiver feel hopeless or lonely as they watch their biggest support system slowly fade. And all too often, the caregiver feels lost, overwhelmed, or powerless, unable to think of anything that could improve the situation.
How Caregivers Can Cope
If you can recognize when parentification is becoming destructive, you can take steps to address it.
Healing Emotional Wounds
First and foremost, take time to heal the emotional wounds that parentification may be leaving. Individual or group therapy can provide support and a path to recovery. Taking time off or going on a vacation can allow you to recharge or focus on other aspects of who you are, like hobbies you enjoy. When you’re able to take care of your own needs, you’re better equipped to care for others.
It’s also important to acknowledge how your role as a parentified caregiver may have affected others in your life. For example, if you have children who see the stress, anger, and resentment you experience, it could have a lasting impact on them, making it difficult to break the parentification cycle. Make sure you lead by example and show others that you prioritize self-care.
Learning Strategies for Dementia Care
Equipping yourself with the right tools can help reduce frustration and improve relationships. Learning the “4 Rs” of how to work with people who have dementia — reassure, repeat, reminisce, redirect — can guide your efforts to help parents manage their behaviors. Practicing these techniques can help reduce your loved one’s stress as well as your own.
Developing a Personalized Care Plan
A personalized care plan will let others — family members, neighbors, friends, paid caregivers — easily tap in to support you and your parent. This care plan outlines how you respond to different health conditions your loved one is experiencing, detailing steps in their daily routine that support their well-being.
This plan will also help avoid role ambiguity. Confusion about roles and duties can cause additional mental strain, whereas a care plan will help everyone use their time effectively.
Creating Communication Frameworks
Agreeing on communication mechanisms will help the whole care team carry out the plan together. This will help prevent any one person from becoming overburdened.
Using a calendar tool, you can coordinate care for your loved one, from transportation to medication reminders and meal prep. You can also use comprehensive care coordination tools like CaringBridge to streamline communication and manage duties.
Accessing Supportive Resources for Caregivers
North Carolina offers several caregiver support programs that can enhance families’ well-being, which in turn can help improve your relationship with your aging loved one.
- The NC Home Care Independence Program: Offers funding to hire a chosen caregiver, who could be a family member or a professional from an agency like Tailored Home Care.
- The NC Family Caregiver Support Program: Connects families with counseling, access to support groups, assistance with short-term respite care, and guidance in navigating services.
- NC Lifespan Respite Program: Provides up to $750/year for respite care.
- Project C.A.R.E. (Caregiver Alternatives to Running on Empty): Offers caregiver education, some funds for respite care, educational resources, and consultations with families.
Taking advantage of support groups and counseling can help process your emotions. Talking through how you feel with people who understand — and who have been there themselves — can alleviate some of the stress of caring for an aging loved one. Counselors and group participants may also have good advice on how to navigate your changing relationship with your parent or enlist extra support.
Home care for elderly people can also help ease the burden faced by caregivers and provide much-needed respite. Finding an opportunity to take a break can make a world of difference in combating feelings of depression and anxiety that may come with parentification. Hiring a professional who’s skilled in memory care can make a tremendous difference in your loved one’s life — and your own.
If you’re caring for an aging parent, consider leveraging Tailored Home Care’s respite services to give yourself a much-deserved break and enhance your relationship with your loved one. Schedule a free nurse consultation call today for personalized advice.
